Who Am I?

A lot of things describe me: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Lesbian, Activist, Executive Director, Property Manager, Friend…..

BUT WHO AM I?

I am 46 years old and damn that scares me! I am sitting here trying to think about who I am and I cannot even give a accurate description. I am a person who has many jumbled up thoughts in her brain. I am a hoarder, I have way to much junk.  I want to be organized and neat! In my head I can put forth a plan, but I never carry it out. So I guess I can add Procrastinator to my list.

Dreamer, add that to my list.  But WHO AM I?

Empty,,, that’s what I am some times. And then other times I am Full,,,full of ideas that are so colorful and beautiful. And then I want to make the ideas come to life and I can’t.  So I am a Failure.

Teacher. I am my four year old daughters teacher  I teach her how to be kind and she teaches me how to laugh. She is marvelously smart and I hope I am teaching her about all the things she will need to know in life.

Empty… that feeling is back. Sadness goes along with that empty feeling.  But yet those are feelings so they can’t be Who I Am? Or can they?

Am I hoarding and buying online because I am trying to fill the empty?

Inquisitive, since I am asking so many questions I can add that to my list. But I am still not sure if I have answered my question.

 

 

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Rejuvinated

smile

I went to a conference in Atlanta this past weekend, and it really was refreshing! The conference was Mystic South, a gathering of like minded people who believe in meditation, rocks, crystals, candles, hexes, charms, spells, and a whole lot more!

I found out about Mystic South a few months back as I was scrolling through Facebook and I noticed that a friend of mine had clicked that they were going.  It peaked my interest and we spoke and agreed to go together and split the travel and hotel costs. After that day I felt like a kid waiting for their week of Summer Camp! I haven’t felt this excited to go on a trip in a long time.  I had never been to a conference like this and didn’t know many of the attendees.

We left on a Thursday and my four year old daughter came with us on the trip.  The plan was that my friends 18 year old son would stay with my child while we went to the workshops and that worked out very well.  The first evening we were there we stopped at the Java Cats Cafe

Java Cats was a wonderful place to go have a good cup of coffee and to pet some beautiful cats! My daughter was in Cat Heaven! I call her the “Cat Whisperer” she has such a love for all animals, but especially cats.  Most are drawn to her, with the exception of my cat who she has renamed “Bad Kitty”! All of the proceeds go to help the Homeless cats find good homes.  They average around 1 adoption a day, and that is fabulous! Of course she wanted to bring a cat home, but we were able to talk her into just petting and playing with them.  The room is set up just for the kitties, they have shelf levels on the walls.  Some were sleeping, some were waiting to pounce on the cat toys, and others were just walking around.  A true Cat haven! And my little cat charmer enjoyed talking to the people that were already there loving on the cats and she told them all about her cats.  She enjoys sharing stories of Waylon, Willie, and Kit Kat (AKA “Bad Kitty”).

After that  we went back to our hotel, which was a apartment really.  We had a full size kitchen, living room and two bedrooms with two bathrooms.  A real nice set up, it is my favorite place to go to when I go to Atlanta, my home away from home.

The first day of Mystic South on Friday was great.  There was so much positive energy and learning in the air that at almost every class I was overwhelmed with all of that strong energy.  I would be so overwhelmed with it that my eyes would barely be able to stay open as my brain was taking in so much.  It was a good kind of overwhelming feeling! I did feel a little self conscious at first because I know it looked like I was falling asleep, but it was not so, I was just absorbing everything and was having a sensory overload.  I met some wonderful people.  Saw some beautiful art pieces in the vendor room, had the most relaxing massage, and found some wonderful books to take home to read.  I left there on Sunday feeling so refreshed and enlightened. At the end I was hugging people goodbye and asking if they were on FaceBook (equivalent of when I was a kid at summer camp and we were getting everyone’s mailing address to keep in touch). I haven’t even scratched the surface with describing just how good this trip and conference was.  I had great company in the car on the way there and back, met wonderful new people, learned from some phenomenal people, and left with a smile on my face and in my heart.

Last weekend was everything that I needed to refresh.  I had been feeling a little down and just not feeling that self love that I know I should be feeling. I wasn’t appreciating myself and in turn it made others not appreciate me.  I am learning more everyday on how to acknowledge my true feelings and to accept them.  And today as I placed my hands over my heart and breathed in several long and slow breathes, I realized that I was not only feeling happiness, but that I was also feeling content.  And guess what? There are still a few dishes in the sink, and THAT IS OKAY!!

Smile today and Love yourself!!

Messy!!!

messy

That is a picture of my brain.  All messy inside filled with To Do List’s that never get done, ideas that are never fulfilled, and dishes I forget to wash.  Ok, Ok, I’ll admit I don’t forget to wash them, I DON’T WANT TO DO THEM!!

I remember growing up in the good ole Baptist Church and for Sunday School the girls and the boys had separate classes.  Well, when I was in third grade and lived in Abilene, Kansas that is how it was.  I clearly remember the “lesson” one day, the lady gave us all sheets of paper and on that we were to write what our ideal husband would be.  Read that slowly again, I was in the third grade and this woman wanted me to think about my “ideal husband”!  She didn’t ask us to think about a ideal career or hobby, but a HUSBAND!!! I was about 10.  I’m not sure I will have to go back and check my old yearbooks for the year.

I also remember in that same room, we had to take good manner lessons.  I don’t recall all of them except for walking with a book on my head.  I am 46 years old now and I never walk around with a book on my head, so that was a lesson that didn’t serve me too well in my life! I can also remember that in June that year, the church held a special event for Father’s Day.  It was a event that I couldn’t share sitting side by side with my Father. This event was a “Father & Son” event.  Only problem was, my Dad didn’t have a son (well that’s another story all together but that is for later).  Fortunately for my Dad he had a friend that had a “extra” son! Mr. Strange had two boys so it was agreed that my Dad would take one to this event.  The event was going to be held at the Church’s Fellowship hall that was downstairs.  It was also our lunchroom for the Christian School that I attended.  It was a banquet of sort, the room was set up with long tables.  I don’t recall the food that was cooked there in the Church Kitchen that night.   I did get to attend this event…….. as a waitress or some type of server. My memory is a little fuzzy on what my duties were that night, but it was some sort of servant. That night was one of my first realizations of what a “Woman’s Job” is.  All the women were serving the men their food, filling up their drink glasses, and cleaning up after the event. The men and boys had a great time filled with laughter.  I also have another memory of that “Strange boy”, actually their family lived up to their last name and were Strange.  The father would not allow the two brothers to play with their sister, because SHE WAS A GIRL. How do you raise siblings like that? That is beyond strange, that is crazy! Well, one day we were at another church friends house and my Dad was going to go off fishing with the other dads.  I really wanted to go.  I loved to go fishing! I do remember my dad taking me and my Mom fishing in Kansas. I didn’t spend too much time fishing. I was running around catching bugs! And when my dad would catch a big frog and cut off his back legs to take home and fry he would give me the rest of the frog.  I did my own scientific discovery of dissection of frogs!  I was not squeamish at all. So back to the day my Dad was going to go off fishing with the “Men Folk”.  I must have made a fuss about wanting to go fishing and my Dad told me NO.  I didn’t like it and the Strange boy started making faces at me and poking fun at me for not being able to go.  He said “Girls can’t go fishing!!” And I replied back, “BULL!!”  Now remember, we were in Christian Churchy Zone and what I just did was SINFUL! I not only stood up to a male I almost cussed! The Strange boy went and told my Dad what I said.  I did not know that the proper word to follow “BULL” was Shit.  I never heard cuss words and am not sure where I heard that phrase.  I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or listen to current rock music at the time. Well, my Dad came up and asked me if I had said that.  I told him yes and so I got a whipping! The Strange boy laughed at me and then they all went fishing. I had to go back to the house and stay with the other girls and our Mom’s. So, the point of this story is that I have a reason for rebelling against housework. Might not make any sense to anyone else, but some days it makes sense to me.

I still get angry about the way girl’s were and some still are being raised to feel subservient.

I really want to end this blog with a happy catch saying, but nothing comes to mind. I will just say I hope that my oldest daughters know that they are strong women and don’t have to put up with “Bull Shit”.  I also hope that my youngest daughter who is 4 will always know she is a “Strong Woman” and that anything is possible! I tell her that every day!

 

And then she wrote….

June 12, 2017

Hold on to your Rainbow Panties because after many years of being silent, I am finally going to allow all the words and mumble jumble in my head to be set free!

I’ll go ahead and give the notice that I might not be so correct with my English or punctuation.  And sometimes my spelling might be off. But usually that will be when my thoughts are pouring out of me so fast that my fingers will not be able to keep up. And I will most likely be guilty of run off sentence, and or tangents.  UGH, my mind just went to my English class when we had to do all those worksheets… see that was a tangent – I think.

I wanted to start a blog so that when my wife and four year old daughter are finally asleep and the house is quiet I won’t get the urge to clean house.  And it might help me to stop sneaking oreos and milk in the middle of the night.  But who can resist a quiet house and being alone and not having to share your cookies?! If you have kids, no matter their age, they will ALWAYS want to eat what you are eating.  Even my grown and married kids still do that!

Ok, am I suppose to give you a bio on who I am? Geez, that might be a couple of blogs. Ok here goes, I am a 46 year old woman that is married to another woman (kinda got that with the title Lesbeean, huh?).  My wife (ain’t that so cool to be able to say that?) and I have been together since 2003.  In Lesbian Years we are coming up on our Golden 50th Anniversary! When we met, I had three wonderful children that were so sweet to give me my grey hairs! Currently my oldest is 28 (I would make a joke about her being old but I think that would come back on me), she lives in Wisconsin with her husband and 6 year old daughter. My other daughter is 26 (she’s getting up there too), she lives in Texas with her husband and 4 year old daughter.  My son who used to be the baby is 23 and lives in Georgia with his Wife and 4 kids. And then my youngest is my 4 year old who keeps me young (hahaha tell my body that after running after her non stop). OH, and my wife is a commercial beekeeper and we have Lesbeean Honey! I am also the Executive Director of our local Pride Organization.  Its a volunteer job so my real job is being a Rental Property manager for our Rental Properties. Oh and being a Mama, which is the best job.

I’m not going to promise that my blogs will be super interesting or humorous. I’m just going to write from my heart and empty out the words and thoughts that are in my head.  It will be genuine, that is for sure.  Some things might be mundane and just be about me complaining that I was not really born to be a housewife and organizing stuff is too much for me.  And other times it might be about how it feels to be a Lesbeean Mom in rural South Georgia.  The hopes and dreams that I have for my kids and grandkids, how I want them to grow up safe and able to be open and proud to be who ever they are. And then again, I might write about how it is to be the wife of a beekeeper.  You know a beekeeper does not keep Monday- Friday 9am-5pm hours. It can be a crazy life, but the honey is a sweet reward!

I’m glad I started this in June.  June can be a hard month for me, and maybe in the next couple of days I will tell you why.  June is also a happy month with it being PRIDE MONTH – even if DJT doesn’t want to say so. Oh, I forgot the disclaimer that I am not a fan of Mr. T.

Today is June 12, 2017, it is the one year anniversary of the 49 people that were killed at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, FL.  I remember them, I honor their lives by living a life of action.  I will not hide or be ashamed of who I am or who I love.  I was not there, I was at home safely in my bed.  I still remember waking up and reading about it on Facebook that morning and then turning on the television. I had never been to Pulse before.  But they were my family.  It was a hate crime against the LGBTQ community, the Latino community, and the African American community.  It was a target of a gay club that was mainly people of color.  In this past year, I still have problems falling asleep at night. I have reached out to survivors of Pulse and met them. I have gotten to know them and their story, which is about Pulse but more.  They are survivors, we are all scarred and affected by that night.  But we will NOT allow Hate to win! Love is always the answer and kindness is always the right thing to do. #HugsNotHate #HonorThemWithAction #Pulse #OnePulse

I remember them.

  • Stanley Almodovar III, age 23
  • Amanda Alvear, 25
  • Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26
  • Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
  • Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
  • Martin Benitez Torres, 33
  • Antonio D. Brown, 30
  • Darryl R. Burt II, 29
  • Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24
  • Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
  • Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, 31
  • Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
  • Luis D. Conde, 39
  • Cory J. Connell, 21
  • Tevin E. Crosby, 25
  • Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez, 50
  • Deonka D. Drayton, 32
  • Mercedez M. Flores, 26
  • Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
  • Juan R. Guerrero, 22
  • Paul T. Henry, 41
  • Frank Hernandez, 27
  • Miguel A. Honorato, 30
  • Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
  • Jason B. Josaphat, 19
  • Eddie J. Justice, 30
  • Anthony L. Laureano Disla, 25
  • Christopher A. Leinonen, 32
  • Brenda L. Marquez McCool, 49
  • Jean C. Mendez Perez, 35
  • Akyra Monet Murray, 18
  • Kimberly Morris, 37
  • Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez, 27
  • Luis O. Ocasio-Capo, 20
  • Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25
  • Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera, 36
  • Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
  • Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
  • Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
  • Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
  • Christopher J. Sanfeliz, 24
  • Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, 35
  • Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25
  • Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
  • Shane E. Tomlinson, 33
  • Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
  • Luis S. Vielma, 22
  • Luis D. Wilson-Leon, 37
  • Jerald A. Wright, 31